Vulnerability
The trend of my training has continued to be more internal. Sure I'm still doing the physical: forms reps, push-ups, sit-ups, running/walking, weightlifting, etc.; but it has been my spiritual journey that has been at the forefront. Intellectually I know that this will be a life long journey, but I forget how much work it really is.
What has spurred this on further, or to the next layer, has been the addition of my Yoga training in conjunction with my Kung Fu. I've been finding so many parallels between my Kung Fu and Yoga, or maybe it is just the fact that I have become accustomed to viewing the world through Kung Fu, for it is being integrated into my daily life. Our recent topic of discussion has been vulnerability, along with empathic listening and responding. In this we all shared in our life's journey, the nitty gritty, and not just fluff. It was an afternoon filled with a lot of heavy emotions. I got to listen to these beautiful individual's stories, and in-turn, I got to share mine. What I found interesting, is that even though we all experienced different things, had different trauma, the root of our pain, our suffering, was the need to be seen. The need for our existence to be acknowledged.
As I processed these thoughts and feelings, my mind turned to my Kung Fu journey. I thought about my why for joining Kung Fu, my accomplishments, my struggles, and my own thoughts and feelings towards it. We may not always share our vulnerability in the same way, save for our blogs, but really by being on those mats are we being vulnerable. We put ourselves out there every time we step on those mats, the difference being, it is unspoken. It is through our physical actions and body language that we bare our souls, as opposed to describing it in verbal detail.
My biggest struggle, something I have been trying to work through for many years, is self-acceptance. Knowing that I'm worthy or deserving. I have a hard time with this concept. Even getting compliments or gifts, it is a nice gesture, but in the back of my mind, I always think, "they didn't really mean that", or really, I just don't believe that about myself. I know that this stems from deep rooted trauma that I experienced when I was younger. How this translates to my Kung Fu, is in the way I view my own accomplishments. I always feel a sense of imposter syndrome each time I earn a new belt. This itself has made me think about the day I'd earn my black belt. Sure I might earn it, but will I think that I have deserved it? This is a constant in the back of my mind, even now. Somedays I am better at looking past this than others; and I know that I'm not the only one with these thoughts.
I know that I am grateful that I can share these thoughts and feelings with my fellow classmates, as I was able to with my fellow Yogis. I know that I am sharing in a group that is free of judgement and that is accepting of who I am. So thank you for reading, and thank you for allowing me to be apart of your journey.
I think you truly earn your belt when you get the next one... :-). You have to remember that we are not perfect and that we are all different. When you are earning your next belt level, trust your instructors and your own development. You have earned it!
ReplyDelete“It is through our physical actions and body language that we bare our souls, as opposed to describing it in verbal detail.” This sentence has really resonated with me, thank you. And as Sihing said, you have earned every stripe and every belt and hopefully one day you can sit comfortably in that knowledge.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog! As you said you are not the only one that struggles with feeling like an imposter at times. This is something I struggle with. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing. You are not alone, and I struggle with these same feelings, and thoughts myself. You have a gift of being able to relate your feelings in your writing as well, which is something I greatly struggle with. So thank you for sharing all of this with us, as it inspires me to keep trying. I wholeheartedly agree with Sihing Csillag in learning to trust your instructors, but as we can be our own worst enemies, this can be difficult as well. But I also believe part of our journey in learning and growing is learning to trust ourselves, and those around us who believe in us.
ReplyDeleteYou are, most definitely, not alone! Some day, I would like to be self-confident person. We are all works in progress.
ReplyDeleteFunny how the awesomeness is always greener from the other side. You are an impressive student of Kung Fu and I would say in no way an imposter. But we all suffer from self doubt. Just know, we see you as awesome in many ways.
ReplyDeleteTHIS is what Kung Fu, or any journey of self-discovery, addresses — EGO. Our ego continuously imposes itself on our perceptions and interpretations. Positive gets twisted to negative. At the other end of the spectrum, negative gets distorted to positive.
ReplyDeleteYour Yoga and your Kung Fu support your quest for clarity. I highly recommend Thich Nhat Hanh's Pebble Meditation as another discipline to add to your journey. It may have been originally designed for children but I find it to be my most powerful tool for nurturing clarity in my life.