I am struggling

        The year of the Rabbit has not been going the way I originally envisioned it.  I had a good rhythm, good balance going from the prior year, and then I decided to put more on my plate and chaos has ensued.  My one-on-one with Sifu Brinker this morning gave me some clarity; that finding balance and a rhythm can be good, but is also where mediocrity seeps in.  I was feeling confident and comfortable in my routine, and then I added in the Yoga training and completely destroyed that.  I pushed myself out of my own comfort zone, shook things up, which is exactly what is needed on the path to Mastery.

        That is all well and good, but it still doesn't detract from the fact that I am struggling, and have been since the start of the year.  From an outside perspective, I am getting my numbers in, I'm blogging, I'm staying "engaged", therefore I must be doing okay.  Outside appearances as we all know can be deceiving.  Sure, yeah, I'm getting what I need to done, but it has been a slog.  The thing is, when your mindset is clear, focused, and happy, the physical is easy.  You may not have a lot of downtime, and your social life might suffer, but getting stuff done is easy.  On the other hand, when you are not focused, your mind is muddied, and you're not happy, then all that same physical stuff becomes grueling.  That's where I'm at right now.  I'm currently in a negative mindset.  Negative in the sense that I'm dealing with a lot of internal and external stuff right now.  It will create something very positive in the future, but I need to work through it now, which could take a while.

        What I'm finding in my daily life, and at Kung Fu (which has become apart of my daily life), is that I'm showing up physically, but mentally I'm absent.  So I apologize to my teammates and instructors, because the Nigel that has been showing up to class is only there in body.  Even having conversations with people, I'm there, I'm hearing what you're saying, but it's all surface value, my response is surface value.  I just don't have the capacity to go deeper right now and be in the present moment.  I'm just not my best self right now.  Currently going through the motions, until the time my mindset can shift back into more of a positive.

        Will I keep showing up?  Of course, I'm not much of a quitter.  Will I be giving my 100?  Yes and no.  You'll be getting 100 of what I can currently give.  My goal for writing this blog is to let y'all know what's been going on.  So if I seem standoffish or absent, or generally unpleasant, this is it.  It's this stuff that I'm carrying with me.  As much as I try to leave it all at the door before stepping onto those mats, part of it is going to be with me, until I can work through it.  Thank you for reading, for your patience, and understanding.