Honesty

        Part of this stems from the conversation we had at our last meeting, and part of it stems from a conversation I was having with my partner.  Funny enough, it also sort of came up during our Sunday coffee.  It is surrounding honesty, specifically towards ourself.

        It can be a hard thing to be truly honest with oneself.  Our egos like to play the victim, do no wrong, externalize our blights, say we're always right, and always painting ourselves in a good light.  We should be the most honest with ourselves, and yet we are not.  We lie, sometimes to the point where the lie becomes the truth.  This is not to say that external incidents or other people haven't helped shape these things.  As a victim of bullying, I've had a hard time with self worth.  I know what it's like to be put down so much that when someone says something encouraging, you don't really believe it.  That is hard to rectify, and requires a lot of introspective work.  It also helps to see someone to talk to to help frame things in a "realistic" pint of view, versus our skewed vision of what we see in the mirror.  Oddly enough, other people have the opposite problem, they only see a rockstar.  Such overinflated egos are just as damaging.

        My problem is the former.  I can be everyone else's hype-man, but when it comes to myself, I'm my own worst critic.  Unjustly and unfairly so.  This is my Achilles heel when it comes to my journey of Mastery.  I may have the skill and knowledge, but I have a hard time believing in myself.  This causes a lot of inner turmoil as I clash between two voices in my head, one that says "I can" and one that says "I can't".  That confidence some of you may see is, a lot of time, fake.  I fake it to I make it real.  Not always, sometimes I am very confident in what I'm doing, but other times I'm putting on a front.  Now I've been working on healing these parts.  It has been slow progress, but I have a lot of years of trauma to unpack and to deal with; and it is not something that can be done all at once.  One needs to peel back the layers, let that heal before going on to the next.  Sometimes you get stuck for a while, stall out, run in circles, and go backwards before moving on again.

        The other conversation I was having, was about distractions or avoidance.  Many people choose to avoid or distract themselves from their problems.  They look for external fixes.  That may look like consumption of: media, junk food, alcohol, procrastination, hopping from task-to-task, or in extreme cases drug use.  They seek people to validate them so that they don't have to take responsibility for their actions or involvement.  These are temporary fixes and they typically do not serve you in the long run.  Some people are okay with this kind of life, and although some may say that is unfortunate, one has to respect the journey that they are on.  Healing isn't easy.  Looking at ourselves honestly isn't easy.  Taking responsibility isn't easy.  But, it is a lot easier than living with guilt, shame, or resentment.

        So choose your hard.  Allow your heart to lead despite what your brain may be telling you.  Just because something is logical doesn't mean it aligns.  I get people find comfort in their current situation, whatever that looks like.  The unknown is a scary and unfamiliar place.  Be brave, be bold, and listen to what your instincts are telling you.  Your brain/ego will try to dissuade you otherwise, but the heart knows what it needs.  Be honest with yourself.