Reasons why

       I often catch myself thinking of my reasons for doing things.  Are they the same reasons I started with, or have they changed over time.  Even reasons that started off with good intentions can get lost along the way, and it makes me wonder at what point did that change happen.  Was it gradual, or was there some event that caused it to change suddenly ?

      Majority of the time my reasons are selfish.  I’m looking to get something out of it.  I don’t mean that in a negative way; after all my reason for joining Kung Fu was based off of wanting to better my health.  To an extent that is still true today, but it has also changed over time.  The sense of community I found and all the lessons learned made me want to stick with it.  These days my reasons or my why for the choices I make is first to reduce the amount of stress in my life and thus bettering my health; and secondly to support my growing family.  

        It was important for me to reduce the amount of stress I had in my life.  It was having an adverse affect on my heart health, my mental health, and my relationships.  It was a big part of the reason that I closed my business and went back to being an independent contractor.  I know I’m going to need surgery, there really isn’t anyway to avoid that.  I go for my CT angiogram tomorrow so they can get a better look at the structures of my heart and see what type of surgery I will need.  I already have higher blood pressure because of the valve issue, I don’t need that exacerbated by high stress.  Since getting out of owning my own business my sleep has improved (baby excluded-that’s different), my mind is less bogged down by intrusive thoughts, and my mood is lighter.  I consider this to be my “true” representation of my personality.  The other version of Nigel is warped by high stress and negative thought patterns.  All of this helps with fostering my relationships, for I have more space for people. I can come from a place where I have the mental and physical energy to help, to listen, and to be present.

       As my family grows I find that I’m thinking more to the future and how I want to raise Cillian and the type of life I want him to have.  I think it’s natural for us to compare our childhood growing up and wanting something more for our children.  Priorities definitely shift, and reasons for doing certain things change along with that. Certain things just don’t seem as important anymore, where as others have greater importance.  I’m beyond blessed to have a community of people in my life that want to be apart of Cillian’s.  Having that support is definitely important to me and my family.  My precious reason of reducing stress for my health also ties into my family, especially with Cillian.  I recognize that I became a parent at a later age (I’ll be 40 this year), meaning I want to make sure I’m doing everything I can to live a long and more importantly, healthy life.  Being able to stay active with him is a high priority of mine, as is passing down healthy habits.

      I know our reasons or our why’s might not always make sense to other people, but it’s important to live your life in a way that makes you happy.  Life is too short to be stressed and miserable all the time.  Having fun and joy in our life is important.  I think we forget that along the way as an adults as we are bogged down by responsibilities and well, life.   So my choices/reasons/why is to live a life of joy.