Parenthood

         I’ve always valued my independence and with that my freedom.  I like the ability to come and go as I please, with the only real consequence of my actions being the toll on my own body of if I over exerted myself.  Being a parent was always something far back in my mind.  A “it will happen one day” sort of thing, until that mantra got closer to an expiration date and the reality started to settle in.  I’m not ashamed to say that having a child is something my partner wanted more than me.  I was content either way.  Having one now, I’m realizing that that idea of sacrificing or giving-up is an illusion, because in reality I’m gaining.

        My relationship I have with my partner is one where we are independently together.  We enjoy each other’s company, and we do like to spend time with each other; but we are also fine doing our own thing and meeting up after.  This is something I’ve always valued.  I like that I can still be my own person outside the confines of my relationship.  It’s just even better that my partner supports my independence and growth, the same way I support them.  So, for a long time I was worried that if we added a child into the mix, I would start to lose out on some of that.  I also knew that Sara always wanted to have kids, and I love her enough to want to give that to her.  The fear of losing my independence and freedom was there,  it I’m also the kind of person that I know I will just adapt to whatever situation I’m presented with.

         Three months in now and I am enamoured with this tiny person.  Sure the lack of sleep is tough.  My routine has been a bit out of whack.  I’ve had to shift priorities.  Seeing that smile and seeing the growth and changes in Cillian is worth every bit of it.  Even when he’s wailing like a frickin banshee, fighting sleep, or whatever, I am just in love.  Something that I’ve learned is that the love I have is infinite.  I have love to give to everyone in my life, it’s just a matter of finding ways to show and spend that quality time with each person in my life.  I thought fatherhood would restrict my independence and freedom, but it hasn’t.  It’s offered me more, just in a different way.  I have another life to take care of, so in that way it restricts what I can and cannot do, but the opportunity, or privilege, of taking care of another life has helped broaden my horizons.  It has also enriched my relationships, because I have a community of people that have come together to help us in raising this little life.  I never thought that having Cillian would impact my friendships the way it has.  They’ve become more involved in my life, as opposed to what I was worried about- that we wouldn’t see each other as much.  They want to be involved in his life as much as they can as well, which is just such a blessing that we can share in that.

        Things are different now for sure.  I’ve undergone a lot of change in the past 6 months, which I do need to recognize. With navigating my injury, switching up where I am in my career, and now having a child.  It’s a lot on my plate even though it’s all good stuff… well, could’ve done without the injury, but even that is providing me with opportunities.  Things are feeling different in my life, some in good ways, and others in ways that I didn’t expect.  I know what’s important in my life and I know the things I’m doing is to support the life I want to live.  I’m not going to be as active in certain areas of my life and I just need to come to terms with that. Doesn’t make those things any less important, I just have a new top priority named Cillian that is expanding my imagination of what life can be like.