Glass case of Emotion

         This year has definitely not gone off to the start I would have liked, but it is what I have to work through.  Feels like the Dragon year had one last curveball to throw my way before the Snake could take over.  The Dragon year can be one of tearing down old constructs, as the Snake comes in, sheds its old skin, and begins anew.

        I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster that's been doing loop-de-loops for the better part of two months.  On the one side, I feel like my training has been going well, and my personal relationships are in a better place, but on the other hand I've been really struggling with my business and what that means to me.  Career being a big part of our lives, I feel like I'm living half of my life right now.  One side vibrant, the other stagnant.  Part of me feels really gutted, and I am grieving what was. To an extent it is preventing me from moving forward.  I was very much ready to give up, still consider it some days if I'm being honest.  Just the thought of how easy it would be to walk away, or it could be that I'd be trading one hardship for another, really depends on how you view things.  What I'm trying to get at, is as this is my grading year, I can't help but feel that part of me is failing my requirements.  Sure on paper it looks like I'm on track for things, but there is a lot of external (well, an internal battle) factors that are also going on that may paint a different picture.  I'm trying my best with the resources that I have to move forward in a positive way, but it has been tough.

        What periods like this give me though are great moments for introspection.  It forces me to take stock of what is going on in my life, good and bad.  For instance, I recognize that my people pleasing, giving, and idealistic nature contributed to the mess that I'm in.  I gave too much too soon, couldn't keep up with the rising costs of inflation, and had to make some very unpopular decisions.  On the other end of that are people, that can be disappointing.  You give your time and energy in hopes of having goodwill built up, just for some to take and take and not give back what you would expect.  The cynic in me, possibly realist, acknowledges that that is just how people are.  Or as my councelor would say, people are limited.  I also recognize that a lot of this stuff really doesn't matter.  I could close up shop, and sure there would be a lot of grumbling to begin with, but over time it will be forgotten.  People move on and forget for the most part, the happy ones anyway.  People who struggle in life tend to be the ones to hang onto grudges.  Those are the same people that look for external factors to blame for their situation in life.  What all of this introspection has created, was an opportunity to set better boundaries for myself, something I think most of us can agree we could do more of.  Saying "no" more is not a bad thing.  Limiting access to myself is not a bad thing either.  As an introvert and highly sensitive person, I had forgotten how much time I actually need to be alone with my thoughts, and to recharge.  More time for play is another important aspect.

        As tempestuous as the beginning of this year has been, I am grateful to have a loving partner, friends, and the great community of SRKF to help ground me.  Journaling through blogging and my own personal books has helped me organize my thoughts, and work out problems on my own.  Dumping all these thoughts helps to clear the mind and make way for clarity.  This to shall pass is my popular mantra.