Negative Thoughts

         I've been having a hard time lately, especially in terms of where my minds been at.  I know I'm overly critical of myself, but that demon has definitely been rearing its nasty little head lately.  On top of that has been added business stress, and I still haven't had a solid night's sleep in 7 months.  All these little things tend to add up.  I've been trying to stay mindful and switch my thoughts to things that I have accomplished and things that I'm grateful for; but alas, I tend to fixate, sometimes obsessively, on the negative.

        For instance, last night was a great success and accomplishment, and yet I can't stop thinking about what I did wrong.  It's been that way in my training.  There are things I have for sure seen improvement on, and at the same time I've been focusing on what hasn't been going right.  It's a torrent of emotion that tries to push my head below the surface and suffocate me, allowing me temporary gasps of air.

        This is nothing new to me.  I've been in this place before; and as familiar as it is, it never is easy to find myself in this setting.  These spells don't tend to last long, regardless they can be crippling to my ego and self-esteem.  I tend not to high self-esteem already, and yet I will put ridiculously high expectations on myself.  Sometimes it can be a good thing and push me to achieve big things, but a lot of times it's a maze with a promise of cheese at the end, but a maze that is inescapable.

        It can be hard when I'm in this frame of mind, because any critiques I receive, on the surface I'll brush them off, but inside I'm dissecting the meaning.  I've said it before, I'll be my biggest obstacle on this Kung Fu journey, or any journey for that matter.