I am at peace

        Have you seen the movie Fearless with Jet Li?  It's a fictionalized telling of Huo Yuanjia, and his spiritual journey in the martial arts.  He ultimately founded the Jing Wu Sports Federation.  Reason I bring this up, is because this year has very much been a spiritual journey for me.  Out of the Kwoon and into the World right?

        I have the "I am" project to thank for this.  So, for those of you that struggle with the "I am" think about why, because there is a wealth of knowledge that you have, that you're just not tapping into.  What started out as a fun way to create blogs, has turned into a real in-depth look at myself.  The more "I am's" I wrote, the deeper I pondered, and the more layers I started to peel back.  It has been an insightful journey; but it has had its challenges.  It has made me uncomfortable even, because it has forced me to look at parts that I had buried, and don't want to look at.

        Vulnerability is the key word.  I struggle with being vulnerable.  This comes from a place and a time where I needed to close myself off, to protect myself.  When I was younger, I was a victim to bullying.  Merciless bullying.  To make matters worse, I learned that I couldn't depend on the adults in my life to help me.  My parents were struggling a lot at home, and my teachers didn't seem to wonder why, or even care to ask, why it was I was acting out.  I found myself very isolated, very vulnerable.  My peers would use what they knew about me against me.  So, I learned to shut myself off and keep things to myself and fade into the background.  It was a valuable tool that served me for many years; however, those tools are now outdated, and I'm at a place in my life where they are now hindering me from making any type of deep personal connection.  There has been a lot of anger, resentment, and fear that has come with this.

        Kung Fu teaches us about control.  We want to be control freaks.  Of course, there are going to be things, events, that we can't control, but we can always control how we react to these situations.  I didn't realize how much of an impact Kung Fu would have on my life in this regard.  It's helped me take a lot of the inner turmoil, inner fire that I have, and direct it into something constructive, creative, and complete.  I use the word complete, because it is heling me put back together some of the pieces I left behind, good or bad.  Through blogging, and demos, it has helped me put myself out there again.  I still have that fear of judgement, and I definitely feel vulnerable each time I'm out there for everyone to see, but it does become less each time.

        Why this is all so important, is because this journey is helping me to foster inner peace.  I am more at peace with myself now than I was a year ago, and I hope that this trend continues.