Expectations

         I've been thinking a lot about expectations lately, and how they impact our lives and our state of mind.  Expectations can be a good thing, especially when it leads us to higher achievement.  However, expectations are a double edged sword, and can wreak havoc just as easily.

        I try not to have many expectations for people in general.  Why?  Expectations involve some sort of emotional investment, and are usually a construct of our minds.  So if ever those expectations aren't met, the illusion breaks and disappointment and resentment take place.  Inevitably those who are closest to me, I do tend to form expectations around them.  Again, these expectations are something that I have created, mostly based on past experiences, but it becomes a construct on which I base my interactions.  It's funny because I can be really harsh in those relationships if those perceived expectations break, unlike someone I don't know as well, where I have very little expectations.

        When it comes to myself however, I tend to hold a lot of expectations.  That can be crippling.  I'm my own worst critic.  My own worst enemy really.  I stand in the way of my own success.  Where do these expectations come from?  Some of it comes from my childhood, and the expectations placed upon me then.  It comes from my peers, my teachers, my colleagues and coworkers, my family, and my friends.  Do they really hold those expectations of me as closely as I do though?  Probably not.  Yet I still hold these ridiculously high expectations of myself, when I would, in a heartbeat, be much more forgiving and relaxed of someone I cared about, saying that they were being too harsh on themselves.

        One of the reasons I've been thinking about expectations, was a conversation I had with Todai Don Bjorkquist.  I was helping him with his five techniques and somewhere along the way, after we finished practicing, we talked about grading day for the black belt candidates.  I made a comment about how at a green belt level I should really start thinking about what I need to do about my board breaks, my five techniques, where I need to improve my forms, etc., etc..  Again, there are those expectations of myself hitting me again like a constant wave.   Then he said something that really altered the narrative in my mind.  He said that once you become a candidate, the instructors have realized the potential for you becoming a black belt and that grading day was more about you proving to yourself that you are a black belt.  Perhaps this should have taken some pressure off, but being my own worst enemy, I felt more pressure.  Will I ever look at myself that way?  It is hard to see now.  There are still days that I don't think I deserve to be a green belt,

        More I thought, the more I realized something about my own journey in Kung Fu.  Somewhere along the way, I said no to mediocrity and made a decision to become a black belt.  I made a choice to not quit and to continue on in Kung Fu.  The only other two things that has come close to that kind of commitment are my marriage to my wonderful wife, and becoming a business owner.  I must admit that there is something about Kung Fu that hits a bit differently, pun intended.  I keep coming about to the fact that Kung Fu is something that is ingrained in our lives.  Kung Fu is a way of life, and not just something that is apart of lives.  It is a philosophy in a way and not just a martial art.  I don't know where my journey will lead me, but I am excited about the hidden discoveries yet to be uncovered.