Self Esteem; AKA. Whispers From the Past

          I'm not entirely sure which conversation brought momentum to this particular train of thought, but here it is.  I've been giving thought to my own self esteem, and even my self identity.  Who is Nigel Bauer; or what defines Nigel Bauer?  It's an interesting query; one which has been conjured in the past.  Am I who I am because of my actions; how I react to situations; my ideals; or is there some greater cosmic involvement at play?  Perhaps it is a culmination of all of these things.

          Structure!  Oh, and passion!  Also the confidence.  All of these conversations are what triggered these thoughts for me.  Okay, so, I've always found it difficult to find structure in my life.  I'm a very, make it up as I go, fly by the seat of my pants kind of person; however I do like set plans too.  I like having freedom, and yet I also know too much freedom leads me to mediocrity in my life.  With too much time gives me too many chances to say "I'll get to that later".  Now having Kung Fu in my life, added to the gym, and my "work schedule", I have another piece of structure to rely on to grow as a person, and discover a little more about who Nigel Bauer is.  Is it enough I wonder sometimes?  I still feel like I can create a better framework that encourages a mastery mindset.  This leads me to my next topic.

          Passion.  For a long time I've been searching for my passion; dabbling in many things, but rarely does anything stick foe me.  I appreciated the conversation about how passion is something that needs to be developed and nurtured.  It really resonated with me.  Perhaps one of my greatest passions to date is being a health care practitioner.  As much as I love what I do and helping people, there have for sure been times throughout my now 7 year long career that made me think "What the hell am I doing with my life?".  Okay, admittedly the language was much more colourful than that, but you get what I mean.  I think it's okay though.  I feel now like we all go in and out of the things that we are passionate about.  Admittedly, I also get hung-up on the idea that my passion is something I should excel at at all times, and I compare myself to other people.  This leads me to feeling really good and confident about my abilities, but also leads me to feeling very negative about myself.  Which now brings me to my last point.

          Confidence is something I have struggled with for most of my life.  Even though I am now a business owner, and leader of a team of wonderful practitioners, you'd think I must be oozing confidence, however, it is but one of many masks I wear to blend in with society.  Yes.  I fake my confidence, because I've learned confidence is something that is desired in a leader, and in society in general.  I struggle because I'm still trying to discover the ever elusive answer to the question "Who is Nigel Bauer?".  That confidence, or should I say, that fake confidence stunts me.  I play that role so well at times that it prevents me from taking critiques as a way to learn and grow.  It is also the piece that too often has me comparing myself to my peers.  I am for sure my own worst enemy, critiquing myself harder than anyone else; and in so doing, putting an enormous amount of strain on my shoulders.  I keep having to tell myself that it's okay if I'm not the best.  That we all have to start somewhere; and that failure is part of the journey.

        Perhaps one day I will discover what it is I'm looking for....  Till next time.