I fail a lot

       “I fail a lot”, is a loaded statement and one that I recognize has a lot of weight behind it.  I chose “fail” knowing the importance of the words we use.  Failing itself isn’t final, it is more of an opportunity.

        What put me on this train of thought was my relationships, my own emotional behaviours, and my personal goals.  With that is the kind of person I want to be for my partner and Cillian.  I know I fall short at times.  My emotions get the better of me and I don’t conduct myself in the manner that I would like.  I have baggage like everyone else that silently dictates actions, behaviours, and responses.  For the most part I am aware of these, but every once in a while a trigger occurs where it bypasses straight to my traumas and emotional baggage and I’m not my best self.  I’m constantly working on these aspects of my self and getting better at regulating.  I strive for healthy relationships, healthy communication, and what I’m learning more about is healthy boundaries.

        Boundaries, as important as they are, can also be tough.  I’m the type of person who gives of themselves a lot, so learning to say no and setting firmer boundaries can feel abrasive, even though I know it is what’s best for all parties.  You wouldn’t tell from my blogs, but I am quite a private person.  In the immortal words of the character Roy Kent of the show Ted Lasso, “It’s none of you [expletive] business.”  I mean that is abrasive, but it’s also an important lesson.  Privacy and boundaries keep us safe and emotionally regulated.  Giving up too much can put us in danger of things like emotional manipulation and losing our sense of self.  Even though I’m getting better, I still fail at this, and as a result I also fail at controlling my emotions and behaviours.  I get frustrated.  Stressed.  Each setback is an opportunity for me to reground, reevaluate, and retry.

      So, sure, yeah I fail a lot. Fail in my training, my business, my goals; but I keep trying.  Trying to improve.  Trying to get even just a little better.  Just simply trying- with intention.  I realize I’m not always going to get it right.  I’ll still have failures.  But I’ll pick myself back up and keep going.  So that failure really isn’t a fail, but an opportunity to try again and hopefully do better.

Also here are my numbers from the end of September:

KM’s- 1753

AOK’s- 991

Push-ups/Sit-ups- 30,394

DMH V- 405

Twin Axe- 360

Sparring- 492

Blogs- 44

Books- 12

Definitely lower numbers than in the past. Lot of obstacles to overcome this year, but I keep going.