Little bit of this and a little bit of that

         We've had a lot of great lessons full of nuggets of gold the last few classes.  It's hard to pick just one thing when they're all swirling through your head.  I guess the main one I'm thinking of most is flow.  I have not been jiving so well with my stick form thus far, as opposed to the karambit(s) the last couple of years.  Right now it seems very stiff and choppy.  Am I trying too hard to impose my will on it, or is it imposing its will on me?  Perhaps a little bit of column A and a little bit of column B.  I am aware that our weapons, especially longer weapons, are supposed to exaggerate our movements more, but I'm really feeling out of sorts with it.

        This brings me to the other topic that is on my mind, and something that will be a topic of discussion this final weekend of my Yoga training, which is what we think our greatest flaw is.  SELF DOUBT.  Easily my greatest flaw, and something that feeds into other negative thoughts.  I am currently experiencing a lot of self doubt with my kung Fu right now.  Feel like I've been in a holding pattern, and things just aren't meshing.  I can feel my internal is out of alignment with my external, and it is translating into my movements.  The other part is I feel less connected with my team.  Part of that is on me too, my natural response is to withdraw.  Part of that is needing to clear my energy and my headspace, but the other part of it is not wanting to depend on others.  I like to think I can do everything on my own, and depending on others... mainly because I had a track record at a young age of people letting me down.

        Last thing I wanted to touch on was sparring.  I really enjoy sparring.  Do I think I'm good at it?  No.  I still enjoy it, and hope to get better.  Was interesting seeing everyone's style of sparring on Wednesdays class.  Everyone held their own differently.  Some people were really open with experimenting with movements, where others were very conservative.  I found I was really matching my energy to my opponent.  If I had someone who was really rigid, I slowed down my pacing.  If someone was a little more all over the place, then I moved more with them.  Some partners I found I had a lot of opening to make my move, and others I could feel were well guarded and made me feel like I had to be more defensive too.  If you couldn't tell already, I'm a very feelings based person.

        Anyways, those are the thoughts that have been occupying my brain space lately.  Looking forward to being done the Yoga training this weekend.  As much as I learned, and how valuable all the training and knowledge has been, I'm very happy to get some time back to myself.  These last four months I have definitely felt like taffy, being pulled in all sorts of direections.