Trying not to get in my own way

         We all get in our own way from time-to-time.  Negative thoughts creep up, or we ride a high and forget to take a look at what's going on around us, allowing mediocrity to creep in.  Either way it is inevitable.  

        I know my biggest hurdle in my success is me.  It's not my training, my numbers, my assignments, but me.  It is what I'm telling myself, good and bad.  Negative thoughts will come, and it is what I do with that that will make or break me.  Sometimes we get caught up in an imagined narrative that we tell ourselves that is usually far removed from the reality of what is going on.  These narratives tell us we're not good enough, that we don't belong, that we're failing.  These are just blips in time.  Don't get me wrong, slumps can last a while, and it never feels great to be in one, but what are you doing in that slump?  Are you wallowing in it and compounding mistakes, or are you taking steps to get yourself out?  What about when you're riding a high on a winning streak?  You know the one's where you feel invincible and everything just seems to be going your way.  Do you continue to put in the same amount of effort, or do you let yourself go a bit?  Whichever one you're in, it comes down to perspective.  That perspective is tainted either way.  Everything sucks, or everything is great.  Somewhere between those two thoughts is the objective truth.

        Recently someone told me that it looks like my training is going great.  My response was that it doesn't feel like it.  Then again, I can't hold an objective opinion about myself very well, it is skewed by whatever thoughts I'm having.  My thoughts right now is that I'm treading water.  I'm just trying to keep my head above water and not drown.  I got a grading for my forms, and though objectively some may look at the positives there, I see it as they were good in that moment, that day.  Doesn't guarantee me anything in the future.  So I continue to work at everything.  Right now I am in the mindset that I'm not good enough, despite some of the positives I've been presented with.  I'm used to this feeling.  I use it some time as a motivator to keep pushing, but recognize too the dangers of having a negative spiral.